15 Days: Part 35 – September 16th to September 30th

I Prefer ‘Mindful Hibernation’ Instead Of ‘Self-Care’

I write this blog while sipping on my second pint. I’m not one to advocate drinking and writing but over the years, for a raw draft of honest and free-flowing thinking, I cannot deny that some of my best writing has come from partaking in several beers. If I’m honest, in my twenties, I wrote some of my best stuff on a bottle of vodka. Not recommended but, also, no regrets. Somewhere, hidden in the dark of an old drive, those words lurk. And with the eyes of an older man, wiser than I give myself credit for, I suspect there’s a diamond or two in them. But that’s for another day. And maybe another bottle of vodka. But it’s Grey Goose these days, don’t you know. With age comes taste, heart-warming memories, and a wry smile.

A word of caution to my father-in-law (because I know my mother-in-law, AKA ‘My-Several-Christmas-Pints-of-Snowball-Buddy’ kindly subscribes to this blog and then lets him read it), I’m going to drop a couple of naughty words in this one. So, next time we meet up, no finger wagging because I dropped an occasional F-bomb. You have been warned, good sir. Also, I’m looking forward to seeing you both soon so we can chuckle at this.

This 15 Days is a reflective piece. Sure, I’ve been testing but I wanted to share something different this time, as is my way.

My mum once told me that my primary school teacher, Mrs Booker, told her that “wherever Paul goes, people will always like him”. My mum brings this up every so often, especially when I am hard on myself. On the whole, I think it’s true. Although I do meet a fair few who simply don’t take to me; I’ve certainly seen that in every area I’ve worked in. Not just the day job but also in the game dev scene; albeit it’s rare in the latter. But it has happened, and it knocks my confidence. But then I remember what I’ve achieved so far and it quickly turns into a big old ‘Go fuck yourself.’ Obviously, I don’t say that to them; I’m a professional but you can be as sure as a save point before a boss fight that I will not work with them again. And it’s never obvious. I don’t make a big deal of it; I just don’t engage. And as I’ve said in a previous blog, no-one has ever regretted having me on their team. So, in the end, what may have been possible is now neglected, gone, a ‘what-could-have-been’, and that’s fine because there are many other fun things to do and many wonderful people out in the world to meet otherwise.

Sometimes though, I wonder if it’s just my way; my mum would tell me it’s jealousy. I’m never sure on that one. I think that’s what she’s meant to say. Jealous of what exactly? Not a question I really bother myself with. I just try to do my thing; whatever that is. And it’s often extremely changeable. I guess I try to live by: be kind, don’t be a dick, try my best, understand my failures, listen, be a good example, stand up for myself and others. Be humble. Be brave.

It’s that last word that leads me here today. Brave. I have spent most of my life being afraid. This isn’t a new concept to me. My counsellor training made me acknowledge and face that in ways I was not prepared for. But I went through it, embraced it, and came through less fearful than before. But there is something I simply have to acknowledge. A part of me that will make excuses over and over, sensible reasons included as well, and I have to acknowledge that.

There is a possibility that I can achieve something greater than I imagine; if I only take a chance, but it would mean turning my back on something I rely on, that is also comfortable and secure.

Ultimately, I feel that time is running out. We live in a completely confusing, random, spin-the-wheel-to-see-what-we-wake-up-to, fucked-up world and although I believe it won’t last forever, it does make me want to drive forward and do what makes me happy sooner rather than later.

This has been brewing in my mind for a long time and I feel it in my body every day. Simply, I cannot deny that there has been something eager to tear myself away from the norm for longer than I care to admit.

And it all came into sharp focus when I won the Game Dev Heroes (GDH) QA award, having been nominated by industry professionals and judged by industry professionals. As an independent, I was up against five experienced, respected, and well-established nominees across four well-known studios. The only independent, as far as I can tell, to have ever won a technical category over the nine years GDH has been running. I found myself elevated personally, emotionally, internally; a strange perspective of my own standing. I looked at myself and wondered if I could be better than I truly think I am. Never one to show off, never one to shout about my achievements, always in the background and always putting myself down, this was evidence of great, professional success. An uncomfortable but truly needed recognition that I could, if I really believe in myself, raise myself up to something better than I can imagine.

And that’s where I find myself now. In a place between somewhere I will never have respect or be listened to, or considered as someone of any worth (despite, actually, doing some absolutely amazing things unequalled by anyone), yet is, for now, safe and secure, and a world that is uncertain, scary, yet holds possibility of a brighter, more meaningful future, where I am well-respected and well-thought of and, for my own self-esteem, award-winning. I talk between the lines here without putting myself in a difficult position. Regular readers will know my hinted at day-to-day responsibilities. And I am not the first, neither will I be the last person to think or feel like this but, recently, more than I have felt for nearly fifteen years, it may be time to be brave and change something.

Yet I wonder if that is wise. And so, I go round-and-around. Time continues to flow (as it will long past when I am gone) and I have to choose between being stuck, or taking a leap of faith. I cannot think of a single time where I have leapt and regretted it. Whether it worked out or not, I do know that I have evolved and have experienced, over time, an understanding of what it is to take a chance and be brave. And I have always been the better for it.

That is my answer, isn’t it. I know what I must do. Now I must find the courage to do it.

So ends a shorter, off-the-usual-topic blog this time, forfeiting some really interesting recent news but, occasionally, it is better to simply go with my thoughts. Whether they should be shared or not, I don’t know, but I feel compelled to write them. Do they make sense to anyone but me, I’m not sure. I suspect that readers of a certain life experience or journey will be able to pinpoint my message here, within my slightly rambling and cryptic words. One that is as old as it is wise; we have one life. Use it well.

Until next time, as always, stay safe and thank you for reading.

Paul.